How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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