Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
