Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
