Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
