Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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