You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
