so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
