Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
