I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
