You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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