Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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