I just cut my nipple shaving
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
