the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
