meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
