Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
