Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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