i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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