11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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