im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
