i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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