I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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