Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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