i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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