I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
