You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
