you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
