we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
