There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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