I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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