So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
