The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize