somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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