So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
