where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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