glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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