So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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