1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize