Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
