i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize