I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize