i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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