i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
