did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Randomize