I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
