Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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