my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
