fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
