Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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