Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
