my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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