I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
