I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
