last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
