yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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