last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
