my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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