haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
