the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
