I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
