So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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