i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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