I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My vagina just recognized that song.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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