I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
