i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
